The Chief Bartender
by smalltowngirl
Summary: One day, God walks into Cheers as a regular customer. He talks and laughs with the regulars, and advises Sam and Diane on their relationship.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the TV show "Cheers." The only thing I own is this story; I do not own the "Cheers" characters.**

I always thought it would be interesting if God walked into Cheers as a regular customer and no one realized who he was. I hope you like the story!

**The Chief Bartender**

**Prelude**

It's an ordinary day at Cheers. Sam is talking to Norm and Cliff. Diane and Carla are arguing. Coach is talking to Paul. An ordinary man with ash-brown hair and twinkling brown eyes walks in. He seats himself at the side of the bar opposite from Norm.

"Hi-ya, Sammy," he says to Sam.

Sam turns to him. "Do I know you?"

"Well, you should. I haven't seen you in my house in years though."

"What?" Sam looks confused.

"Never mind. Can I have a beer here?"

"Sure." Sam fixes the drink, eying him up.

Coach approaches that end of the bar. He suddenly makes the sign of the cross.

Sam: "What did you do that for, Coach?"

Coach: "I don't know, Sam. I just had the strangest impulse."

The man waves it off. "Ah, don't let it bother you. It happens all the time."

(The theme song is played.)

**Chapter 1**

The man is seated at the same stool. Carla approaches him.

"So, what's your story, mister?"

"Oh, I'm more interested in your story."

"Yeah, well it ain't a real interesting one. I'm divorced, I have four kids that I don't think are human, I work my butt off in this joint every night, and I have to listen to the stick over there babble on about nothing. God sure is after my ass for something."

"Ah, He probably thinks you're the only one who could handle it. Somebody has to raise His little hell-raisers."

"I guess so. But why me?'

"Don't worry, Carla. He won't forget you."

Carla looks at him suspiciously. "Are you some kind of priest?"

"Me?" The man laughs. "No, I'm not a priest."

"How do you know my name?"

"I know a lot more than that, sister."

Carla: (As Diane passes.) You're creeping me out.

Diane: It's probably the reflection in his eyes.

Carla: That's Miss God's Gift to the world, Diane Chambers.

The man approaches Diane. "Hello, Ms. Chambers."

"Hello."

"You seem tense. Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong. Why would you say that?"

Sam passes by. "She's in love with me."

Diane: "I am not!" She turns back to the man. "Don't listen to him. I'm perfectly fine."

"You know, you seem the kind of person to worry too much about how things are going to turn out. I think you need to relax."

"Oh, but an un-analyzed life is not worth living."

"What if you waist your whole life analyzing?"

"Well, I never thought about it that way before."

"Look, Diane, this is how I see it. You don't need to worry about what's going to happen in your life, because you always do things with the best intentions. God will take care of the rest. You know, Carla's right. You think you're the center of the universe, but you're not. You're just like everyone else in this bar." He leans in close. "I know what's going on between you and Sam, and let me just tell you this. It doesn't matter if he shows it or not---he loves you. Oh, and by the way----Carla was right. You are my little gift to the world."

He pats her on the shoulder and walks off, leaving her looking completely stunned.

Norm: Hey, buddy, you have to come hear this."

The man walks over to Norm and Cliff.

Cliff: Ok, not even God Himself could answer this one. How many freckles were on Ralph Malph's face?"

The man turns to Norm and raises his eyebrows.

"Cliffy's a little weird," Norm says.

"You got me there, Cliff," the man says.

"Two thousand thirty-six," Cliff boasts.

The man laughs. "I wonder what I was thinking the day I made you." Norm and Cliff look at him like he's gone off the deep end.

The camera flashes over to Sam and Diane, standing behind the bar.

Sam: "Oh, Diane, did I tell you about the, girl I'm going out with tonight? Her name is Savanne, and where she comes from they don't believe in clothes."

Diane: "Where you come from they don't believe in brains."

Carla: (as she passes, to Diane) Where you come from they sure don't believe in chests.

Sam: I wouldn't make jokes, Miss Chambers. When Savanne walks in you're gonna flip you're gonna be so jealous. She's five times as woman as you are.

Carla: Which means she could be a man.

Diane(with great distress) Sam Malone, one day you will regret this adolescent mockery you demonstrate towards me. When I'm gone, where will you be left hanging?

Sam: On Savanne and her ten best friends.

Diane starts to walk away, but Sam stops her by grabbing her shoulders.

Sam: Hey now, you're not thinking about going anywhere, are you?"

Diane: (looking cold and hurt)I'm thinking about going to the spot on this planet the complete opposite from you.

He looks blankly at her, and she starts to walk away again.

Cliff: (to Diane) That would be precisely Yinchuan, Asia, there, Diane.

Sam, looking slightly worried, heads back to the front of the bar. The odd man smiles at him.

"Sammy, Sammy. You're making a big mistake. Don't let that woman go."

Sam: "Now look here, pal. I don't know what your story is, but I do know that ever since you walked in here you've been acting like God or someone."

Man: "You listen to me, _pal_. I know a lot more than you think I do, and if you don't listen to me now you're gonna lose that girl forever. Now, do you think it was just a matter of chance that she happened to walk in here, that her fiancée happened to dump her, that she was born in the same historical period as you? It's not, boy, trust me. It's fate. Somebody knows that she is the one for you. Now if you don't start treating her better, she's gonna walk right back out there." He leans in closer. "She loves you, Sam. And I know that you love her." He pats Sam on the back and then walks off, leaving Sam in a state of shock.

It's a bit later. No one else but the regulars are in the bar. The man is sitting beside Norm.

Man: You know Norm, of all the people I've met here tonight, you impressed me the most. You really have this life thing figured out. Everyone else here is so preoccupied with their troubles, but you know how to just sit back and enjoy the ride while all the nasty things slide right by. I really admire you.

Norm: Well, thanks. I may not be much, but I'm Norm Peterson, and I'll be sitting here on this bar stool until the end of time.

Coach: Won't you die sometime, Norm?

Norm and the man laugh. The man shakes Coach's hand and he laughs. "You are one funny guy, Coach. Can't help but love ya."

The man heads to the door. "Well, folks, I had one heck of a good time, but I've got to get going. I just want you all to know that, even though you're all a little weird, you're doing just fine." He smiles and looks around. "You know, this really is a charming bar. Nice place to stop by when the world gets nervy, huh?"

Carla: "Hey, before you go, you never told us who you are."

Man: "Who do you think I am?" He flashes one last smile, and then he's gone.

Norm: "Well, that was a once in a lifetime experience." He turns to Cliff. "Come on, Cliffy, let's get out of here."

Carla: "Yeah, Coach, let's get going. If the kids burnt the apartment down, I want to catch them in time to kill them."

They go, leaving Sam and Diane alone.

Diane smiles. "Who do you think that man was, Sam?"

Sam: "Well, if I told you, you'd probably think I was nuts."

Diane: "I already think you're nuts."

Sam: "You know, I have the craziest feeling that that guy was God."

Diane: "So do I. I have to go home and write this down on my list of Divine Experiences."

Sam: "Thanks for reminding me, I do too."

Diane: "You have a list of Divine Experiences?"

Sam: I sure do.

Diane: What's on your list already?

Sam: "Just one thing." His face softens as he looks at her. She's wearing a pretty baby blue dress, and her smooth golden locks shine perfectly in the cozy light of Cheers.

"When I saw you for the first time."

Diane looks shocked.

Sam: "You know, Diane. That God guy got me thinking. If you ever walked out of here, I don't know what I would do. I'm in love with you, Diane."

Diane walks over to him. "Sam Malone. You are the stupidest man who ever lived on earth. If I ever walked out of this bar you would die. Just shrivel right up and die." She smiles sadly. "And I would too."

Sam smiles back. "Would you look for me in heaven?"

Diane grins devilishly. "With us there it would be hell."

Sam laughs, then turns serious and takes her hand. "You would make it heaven."

Diane looks at him like she's never been so in love with him before. "I miss you, Sam."

He gathers her in his arms. "I miss you, Miss Chambers."

The End!


End file.
